Marriage, Money, Togetherness and De$truction: Bank Accounts

Many people struggle to get their Finances in order. let's Discuss how you can avoid trouble in the future once you make the Big Step.

Sounds like a snarky book-circuit title huh? Sure, you may have heard that the number 1 seed for divorce is based on finances. Specifically, I would venture that its not the actual money, but rather conflict avoidance--the fear (or refusal) to talk about money by initiating a you-do-your thing-I-do-mine policy with the money brought in by the couple. Whether your married, living together, or dating seriously, ignoring or avoiding the discussion of sharing finances can be the foundation crack to your cause your relationship to fall, unless...

You take pre-emptive action. It is a serious threat. You should attack the problem while in infancy so that when times get tough, you can be prepared to defend your beautiful relationship against the wiles of financial destruction—the love of money.

Who Do You Love More?
Which brings us to the first rule—establish at the outset which is most important to you in your particular relationship: your money, or your commitment/trust to your significant other? Understand that commitment is stronger than love alone. If your relationship with money is so strong that it may cause doubt or apprehension in how you share it with your partner (if you do), then that will affect your decisions in a different way than two people who put their relationship above their finances. You have to be honest with yourself either way. Some deny that money is more important, but don’t hesitate to withhold spending decisions with their significant other.

The Banks Account(s)…
In today’s two-income world, this question is the paramount one. Once you get to the point where you are sharing bills (and you probably should if you’re married and you both work) this should have already been fleshed out. Your income becomes more than just “yours” when you say “I do.” I can appreciate the words of Dave Ramsey who said “When you get married, the pastor didn’t say ‘and now you are a joint venture,’ he said ‘and now you are one.’” But then again, Dave is a little old-school and that may be a little difficult for many in the New Age to accept that marriage is not just peaches and cream and happiness every day. Therefore, you should sit with your partner and determine early on how and when money will be split regardless of income.

Option 1: Joint-Main, Jr. Option
In my opinion the optimal setup would be to have a joint account to handle all expenses—and expenses include charitable contributions in addition to utilities, insurance, car payments, etc. This “main” account would be where the bulk of all you tracked spending would go. Generally its probably best to have separate retirement accounts--not only can you share your retirement money, but it offers an opportunity to diversify your retirement options.

Additionally, a second “separate” account would be used for separate personal and gift purchases. This account should probably be very small compared to the main account—the vast majority of your money should go towards building your financial future. However, purchases you make together come out of the main account—vacations, for instance, should be funded by both of you if you both work. If you want to treat your special lady to a pedicure, or if you want to spring for the big screen for your man (and you don’t want them to know how much you spent) then the “gift accounts” are also beneficial because it allows you to surprise each other without destroying the budget. This option also works if you have obligations to other areas that are not a part of the immediate family; paying loans not in your name, alimony, or helping out in-laws/family members.

Option 2: Main-Separate Option
The option that seems “the best” according to many would be the separate accounts for each partner. In this option bills may be split but each partner is responsible for their own portion. Many choose this path to reduce friction in discussing finances. Furthermore, it allows each partner to avoid any guilt because the money spent on any particular item is not questioned. (So if Jane buys 30 pairs or shoes, it’s not a problem because it didn’t come out of Joe’s pocket).

To me I think this option sows the seeds for trouble. If you get to the point where you’re hiding purchases form each other, it’s not a far walk to withhold a few other things down the road. Frank, open discussion for finances builds trust in one of the most challenging areas for a relationship—money. It’s a time to discuss what purchases are fair. Talking about money openly is almost like being in kindergarten again—you learn that there is no more “mine,” but it’s “ours” no matter how much money is made. You’re officially a family unit and not a family with subsidiaries. And if the two incomes fall to one, then there’s the added hassle of switching around billpay features,

Option 3: Joint, All-In
The hardest option, which many aspire to but few reach, is the single joint checking account. All purchases, including gifts, etc. are included. Every purchase is open for both you and your partner/spouse to view. Single-income families find that this one may fit the best. Dual-income families should aspire to this option, because at some point, the amount of money spent on a gift should not matter.

However, those my views and I’m interested in hearing yours. Comment below!